failure and sucess

i made it home, dying inside. so depressed that breathing was hard. changed, got bells, went out to the field, and for the first time i couldn't do it. the bells wouldn't move. i couldn't do it. i was devastated. i felt so defeated. i just couldnt move them. my body wouldnt cooperate. its like i was just dead physically. i had no strength. it felt like the last straw broke... i got so mad.

my wife saw me down and suggested we go run sprints at the park. we ran 1 mile of interval sprints alternative sprinting a quarter and walking a quarter. where i couldnt lift a bell, i could do that. so i sprinted until i could literally sprint no more. no longer feel defeated. still feel down and out and sort of hopeless BUT i didn't give up on my exercise for the day. i found a way to make it work- i wish the rest of my life was like that. i'm sure it could be but it just seems so much more complicated. i've got to work on it.

"Peace is just a warm gun away..

..... it's deeper than where there's a will there's a way.
I won't grit my teeth and bare it- If my violence came in the form of a crown of thorns I'd wear it.
I am so afraid
My feet are on the ground and I still haven't found a reason to pretend. So sweep me under the rug, so no one's with me when I lose my head.
I feel hopeless when I just wish I could feel a little less. I feel hopeless when I just wish I.... wish I..."
- Blacklisted "Stations"

FUCK IT!

The heat has been turned back up. Got a phone call and an email yesterday that I knew was coming. I was right- it came. I think my Tues depression fit had to do with knowing it was coming. Last time something came up the same thing happened. I don't know how to explain but I can feel it coming and when I get that feeling it usually does.

I was also right about being too sore to workout yesterday. I was. My body needed the day off. I'm going to do p90X today.

I have self-destructive tendencies even on my best of days. It's part of why I workout so hard. If you workout so hard it hurts, I mean really hurts, it's like self destruction- it feels like anyways but it has positive consequences provided you don't over-do it. Now when I get in a place or a situation like I am currently in (which hasn't happened in the last 13 years), those tendencies get amplified. That's where I am now. I am almost passed being scared and just don't give a fuck- almost. If I didn't have the most beautiful and amazing wife in the world I wouldn't.

I am not going to let what happened back in March happen again. I stopped eating. I stopped working out. It was bad. Every inch of my body doesn't want to work out today- and it's only 9:22 in the morning. When I get home though, I am changing, and I am going outside (just decided no p90X) and I am going to murder myself on that field. I plan on crying and vomiting and collapsing.

This entry is dramatic but it's where I am. I am a roller coaster moment to moment. I care. I don't care. I'm terrified. I'm numb. I'm depressed. I'm full of rage. I want to go out on the field and waste myself to the point that my mind and body are so exhausted they don't have the energy to fluctuate like that. I want a steady, dull hum of background noise. I want to sleep the sleep of the dead- no more nightmares. I want to feel alive again and feel like I have my life back.

Descending hell

panic attacks at work. depressed as fuck. hate life. didnt want to work out. hot as fuck. 106. made myself work out and do it outside.

did descending/ascending
50 swings/10 BW squats
40 swings/20 BW squats
30 swings/30 BW squats
20 swings/40 BW squats
10 swings/50 BW squats

took me 25 min. destroyed my legs. lower back super tight. probably did some swings wrong or im just tired. my legs are wrecked. my whole body is sore from yesterday. p90X tomorrow. cant do bells. i'll be too sore. i wont be able to walk by tomorrow afternoon. so wrecked i dont care about anything else. definitely better than pill or booze.

did i get it....?

i personally dont think so. i tried snatching the two 24KGs today. I tried it twice, both attempts are in the video below. the first was almost there- at the very end they sort of go around my hands instead of over them- i don't think i should count it (opinions from you all as i'm brutal on myself)

After this I got down to business with a modified version of the double KB workouts from last week.

3 sets of 5: KB burpee+double clean w/ 24KGs fifth rep 36 yard rack walk
3 sets of 5: KB burpee+deadlift w/ 24KG fifth rep 36 yard farmer's carry.then to BBall court for the following using two 24KG bells once, all the way through, without stopping-overhead rack walks down, rack walks back, farmer's carries down, alt rack walk right side back, alt rack walk left side down.

this SUCKED. my forearms and hands were wrecked! i finished it off w/ a snatch ladder. i am working on my numbers using hte 24KG on snatches. i have decided to start training for the RKCwhen I can take it. today I did one set of 1-3 ladders, non-stop. that video is here-

after those i was dead. went in, amde dinner, ate, then went back out and mowed the yard with the push mower. that was the last nail in the coffin. i am so sore this morning workout this afternoon is going to be hilarious

RKC & Me?

soooo, I'm the kind of guy that when I get into something I really like, I really get into it. That has been the case with KB's since I found them 2.5 years ago.

I have been considering the RKC since I heard about it when I started. I thought I would never be able to achieve what was necessary to be certified. The course requirements terrified me.

A good friend, the one and only Jenn B, is going to the RKC in October and that got me to really thinking- can I do it?

I went to the Dragon Door page today and looked over the requirements for men again. The weight class that I am in is the 148lb class (I am 2lbs under the 154lb class). That would mean I would ahve to snatch the 24KG 38 times for the snatch test (15 on one side 13 on the other?) and that I would have to use 2 16KG bells for the grad workout.

Now the grad workout doesnt scare me so much- 2 16KG bells is really a whatever. I'm sure it's terrible and will have me cursing my mother having bore me into the world BUT I know I can do it.

The snatch test, however, I cannot do as of today. With training, yes, I could. 38 snatches isnt the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard number wise even though snatching the 24KG I can do about 12-15 snatches without stopping. Like I said, it would take some serious practice but doing snatch ladders every day for 2 weeks and then going for #ers all out would get me there.

What I cannot do is the pressing work with the 24KG. I cannot press the 24KG for reps of 5 multiple times. I cannot sots press. I cannot bent press. More importantly, I do not think I could learn to do those things before October. Not to mention the all important fact that there is no way in hell that I could afford to do the certification.

Then agian my job is fickle. Sometimes I make no $ and soemtimes from out of nowhere a huge check shows up. If a huge check shows up or I win the lottery or something else very unlikely to occur- I want to go to the RKC Oct cert. UGH!

Either way, I'm comming for you RKC and though I may be slight in size, I will conquer you.

p90X'ed

ddint make the 5 days this eek. got 4. made the conscoius decision yesterday to start drinking whiskey @ 1PM thereby destroying any hopes of getting in a workout. hung out with the wife all nite at the house wathcing movies.

today did p90X chest and back routine. got serious about it and really kicked it up. made a difference too b.c my numbers were way better and this is the 3rd time ive done it- i have to say my close-grip pull ups and diamond push up are astonishingly better. crazy progress.

zach even-esh might be my new hero. after doing that workout of his that someone posted i went to his website and checked him out on youtube. that guy is a fucking nut! i love it! hsi outdoor stuff is JUST like what we have been doing at the park for the last 1.5 yrs. there are some awesome ideas on there and he just has an energy and passion that i really can connect with. it gets me amped- makes me want to lift REALLY heavy shit and then do sprints.

next week is going to be awesome. i cant wait to do some more double KB workouts. i am also going to try and snatch the two 24KG's next week in a double snatch attempt. that would be 67% of my body weight.

Another double KB workout from the AoS forum...

with his response to my David Whitley double KB workout. He said he got this workout from Zach Even-Esh, it was a 'loaded-conditioning' workout. I had wondered "hrm, what does that mean, loaded conditioning"? Well I found out tonite. Loaded conditioning is trainer speak for make-your-whole-body-cramp-up-until-al-your-muscle-groups-fail-and-you-almost-have-a-moment-of-incontinence. Yep. That's what the term 'loaded-conditioning" means.
The work was prescribed as follows-

"Kettlebell walks for either distance or time1. Double overhead carry KB walk 2. Rack walk 3. Farmer's walk4. Cross Carry - (1KB overhead, 1KB in Farmer position) alternate arms5. Overhead carry the length of a basketball court - Push press x 5 reps6. Rack walk to other end - Squats x 5 reps7. Farmer walk back the other way - Alternating rows - 5 reps each side8.Cross carry to other end - Squat into a high pull x 5 reps9.Cross carry using opposite arms - Alternating snatch x 5 reps"

It was mentioned that it was brief but intense. I used my 2 20KG bells and got to business. I am happy to say I made it to past the rows before I droppped the bells.

While reading this, JUST NOW, i realized i did this workout all wrong. I did 5-9 like they were all of the workout and 1-4 like they were clarification. It makes much more sense now. MUCH MORE why you might just do it once through.

I did 5-9, it SUCKED but I felt like I didnt do enough so I repeated it. I took video of me repeating it, its HILARIOUS and below- I walked too far out of frame so you only get to see half of the hilarity

. I now realize you are supposed to do 1-9 all the way through, probably once. I assume once. If it is more than once than I feel like a giant maxi pad.

Either way. The first way through was great, hard but great. The second way through after the rows, my grip died. I mean died. My forearms are still ruined and typing is hard. Next time I will do it correctly and let you all know how that goes.

If you're into the double bell workouts, this one gets 2 thumbs up. I think it was harder than DW's. The squat into a high pull was really really hard and the alternating snatches at the end was like someone shooting your dog in front of you and then laughing at you about it- they were that bad.

Today was..

I was supposed to do either p90X, Newport or Firepower today. I didn't. I was so sore from Mon and Tues I thought taking today off might be more productive then hitting it tomorrow and Friday and Saturday to get in my 5 days.

Still, I feel like I'm being weak even though I really do know that my muscles and my body needs a day off after Mon and Tues- that was some serious shit for me.

I'm such a fruit cake.

Ugly and Uglier

Today we kicked old school style. Just the little tire (I'm not sure how much that thing weighs- 90-120ish. it has a eye-bolt through it with a rope tied in for dragging. it's our dragging tire) and the field.

We did 4 rounds of-

5 leaping push-ups a-la-Mr.-Mattioni
5R/5L pistols-in-training
assorted pull ups
60 yard tire drag finish with tire pull to you down the length of the rope left.

Pull ups went as followed
Rnd 1 - 3 corn-cobs

Rnd 2 - 10 in&outs (like end of corn cob but dont go down, just in and out- first time ive done
this, HARD but i was amped i got 10)

Rnd 3- regular pull ups1-5/5-1 ladder (amazed i did them all)

Rnd 4- close grip pull ups (thumbs touching) 1-3/3-1 (amazed i did all b/c on p90X i can do max
3)

Then jogged 1/3 mile lap to cool down.

Stick a fork in me folks, 'cause I am fucking DONE.

SUCK IT TREBECK!

So I posted something on the AoS Forum about knowing what you can't do and how that's really a load of shit- I was talking to myself in regards to accomplishing the "corn-cob pull up".

Well I'll take a second helping of that today. I was trying to figure out what to do- I wasn't feeling a DVD. I felt like if I did anything else I would half-ass it- it was an existential dilemma. Then I got a mass email from David Whitley with this workout in it-

"Kettlebell burpee + Double snatch:5 reps, after the last rep, walk with the KBs in the overhead lockout position for 10-20 yards.
Complete 3-5 rounds.

Kettlebell burpee + Deadlift:5 reps, after the last rep, walk with the KBs in the farmer carry position for 10-20 yards.Complete 3-5 rounds."

I read that and I was excited about it but I saw it called for double snatches.... double snatches- the enemy. I have not been able to do them. It's a mental block, it freaks me out moving that much metal over my head at once. I can flip that tire- so I know I can generate enough full-body power to pul off the double snatch, it just scares the hell out of me.

So I get home and make up my mind to do the workout and I'll figure out what to modify for hte double snatches. I grab 2 20KGs and 2 24KGs and walk them out to the park (that was my warm up). While walking them out there I said to myself FUCK IT! You can do the double snatch and not only can you but you will do it.

I did 3 rounds of KB Burpees + double snatches to walk-outs with the 20KGs, 3 rounds of KB Burpees-double cleans to rack walks with the 24KGs, and 5 rounds of KB BUrpees+deadlifts to farmer's carries with the 24KGs.

I am fucking amped! I didn't think I could do that but I did. I did it. Me. I told myself to shut up and eat it. Now those double snatches weren't the prettiest ever, especially come round 3- but I could 3 rounds of 5.

AND I took video. Here is round 1 of each workout group

Group 1

Group 2

Group 3

New Thing I'm Excited About

I'm sure lots of people can do these. I saw them on the p90X video and though, "OH! There's no fucking way I can do those..."
Well, I was wrong. I can.

Here is video of me doing (somewhat decently) my new favorite stupid, human trick- the "Corn Cob Pull Up"

Anniversary off/on Day

So today was supposed to be my last day of the week to get serious- day 5.

Well today also happens to be my 5 year wedding anniversary. I just couldnt make myself do Firepower. However, we did hang out for a while watching Monster House on DVD and while we did that I did a heavy leg session.

5 rounds with the 28KG of-
Front Squats (5,5,8,10)
1 Legged Dead Lifts (5R/5L)

I tried to add in 5 rounds of behind the back squats but my legs were actually fried. I was thinking about doing something else but said fuck it.

Next week I will get back on the 550lb tire very seriously.

Vomiting BEFORE a workout (that's a change of pace...)

I'm still smoked from yesterday and getting back on 5 days a week. Today was my 4th day on for the week, I threw up most of my lunch at work. I worked out anyways b/c I'm an idiot and if I didn't I would be depressed.

I did a moderate W workout. 3 rounds with
1-
10 swings (24KG)
jog to pulsing lunges
jog to 2 tire flips (550lb)
jog to 5 burpees
jog to 5 C&P R/L
jog back

2-
20 btwn the leg passes (28kg)
jog to 10 divebomber push ups
jog to 2 tire flips (550lb)
jog to snatches 5 R/5L (20KG)
jog to 3 corn-cob pull ups a-la-p90X

3-
4 windmills R/L (24KG)
jog to 10 deck squats
jog to 2 tire flips
jog to 10 burpees
jog to 2 double C&P w/ the 24KG (PR for me)

That was all I had. I got sweaty. Moved and did something but def did not max the envelope.

Doing the 'Dew

did p90X chest and back again today. was better this time- mostly b/c i think paced myself better. still feel about as smoked as last time so yay! i didn't want to work out at all when i got home. had 2 meetings back to back at the end of day. came home, sat down and played call of duty 4 online for about 20 min then got up and just felt like i HAD to workout. i knew Firepower wasn't going to happen so I thought A HA! i need to do my p90X for the week so bang, problem solved. still on target for my 5 days this week and i don't feel like a loser for giving in.

that guy who leads the workout on the dvd is still annoying as hell though. he will not get inside my head and convince me that being that extreme is cool.
no sir. not cool at all.
now where did i put my fuckin' mountain dew.....

Circuit @ the Park

It started to rain some so...

Got out the 90lb tire with the rope on it and went to the basketball court (its covered)

Did 1 min jump rope to warm up then 4 rounds of

5 leaping push ups a-la-Mr.-Mattioni

5R/5L pistol training (starting w/ butt on small tire but by end of 2nd round i couln't push up from there anymore- it's a small tire so my butt was almost on my heel- so i moved up to the bench wich is aboust 1ft higher, finished the rounds 3-4 from there)

jog over to jungle gym and do 5 pull ups

jog back to court to tire for tire drag down court, pull tire in down length of rope (about 20 ft), drag tire back down court and pull in tire

After 4 rounds of this I was pretty smoked. Felt good though.

Never Quit

Yesterday every inch of my being wanted to give up, call in the mayday-officer-down, and lie down and wait for Jesus to come back.

When I got home I immediately changed clothes, put on Newport, and waent to work. And the strangest thing happened- I had my best day at Newport ever. I even, for the first time, did the hot potato drill like its supposed to be done and I did it with the 16KG (I only did it for about 10 secs @ a time with a 5 sec break and then 10 more sec BUT I did it).

Other exercises went well too. I did more of them, I was less out of breath and less dead. It felt good- until round 6 and I started to die. Usually I die after round 4. This time around it was round 6 where I hit the wall. I always forget that the ab round is included in the timer in round 6 so i think I have to do that squat kick/overhead lunge longer than I do.

Still no sots presing in Newport. I'm going to start GTG with them when I am fresh. By the time it gets to the squat press round in Newport there is no way in hell I can try to successfully SP- I did try yesterday, hard, but my body laughed at me. Instead I did presses from the rack for the time bar alotted for the SP.

It will be going down soon. Maybe in another 1-2 months Newport will be my new girlfriend and then I can go up in weight on it.

Im using the heavier bells on field days (24KG-28KG) so I can keep my body used to using them.

Sunday nite

went on a 2 hour bike ride all over town. I love riding around town late at nite- especially on a Sunday or early in the week when no one is out. Makes me feel like the city is mine. It was a good ride, on way home I rode my ass off. Passed out when I got home.

Newport today.

Saturday

I didn't do Newport. This blister in my hand has almost healed and I didn't want to wreck it all over again so I did a good old fashioned circuit in the afternoon when it was 106 outside! Awesome.

3 rounds w/ the 24KG of

2R/2L TGU
10 front squats
5R/5L fig-8-to-hold
6-8 behind back squats
5R/5L 1-legged dead lifts.

It was awesome. The heat killed me and my legs are sore today. Either p90X or Newport tomorrow.

Week Recap

SOOOO yesterday I didnt work out. Im ok with that b/c I DID workout Sunday by doing Firepower. Sunday is usually an off day. Thus I worked 4 days in a row. Took last nite off and today off, and then Newport tomorrow. Sunday off. Back on it Monday w/ p90X workout.

4 days and counting

So stepping up the workout game again has been hard but I'm doing it. Today will make my day 4 of being back to 5 days a week.
WOW. Getting back on that has been hard. My whole body is sore. Did Firepower yesterday. I cannot wait for tomorrow b/c it is an off day.

Field Day

Yesterday was field day- and a ton of new people showed up.

First we did side snatches to windmills 4R/4L for 3 rounds w/ the 24KG

Then 50 yard sprint to 38" box jumps, 2 rounds of 10, 50 yard sprint back to bellls.

Then 3 sets of 6-8 behind the back squats with the 24KG

Then the new folks showed up. We got out both tires. I did some tire flips. They did some tire flips. I taught them the swing and showed them the bells which ended up giving me another KB workout that had some KB burpees, C&P, renegade rows, TGUs, and other fun stuff.

It was a good day and a great time. The sprints and box jumps REALLY smoked me though which kind of bummed me out.

AoS Firepower this afternoon.

so so so sore

that guy might be lame BUT p90X FUCKED ME UP! my chest, back, shoulders and all points inbetween those places are so sore. i will be adding selected p90X routines into my workout schedule and probably back one day off Newport- so Newport once a week, p90X once a week, Firepower once a week and then whatever happens on the field T/TH's. rest on Fridays and Sundays.

p90X...

I found it today. Looked into it- was interested. My lower back is really tight from the law mowing and Firepower yesterday so I didn't want to do Newport today. (Don't worry, I will still do NP twice and FO once before Sunday so as to stick with my plan).

Due to the tightness, I decided to check out the p90X chest and shoulder workout- FUCK. It was hard. Period. First round I did some decent #ers (even though my pull ups SUCKED, i think its b/c bar i have inside is too low, its in a door frame. outside i have the jungle gym bars i can hang from- at least that's what I'm telling myself). The second round though- I sucked. Hard. I pushed too hard first round and died the second round. I hit all my goals for round 2 but they were very much scaled down. At least I had an accurate idea of what I could do.

My chest feels a little worked but shoulders feel wrecked! RUINED! Like Sodom & Gomorrah after G-D's wrath. They are so swollen and shaky. I like it.

Now- what I don't like is the p90X guy- I'm sure he's a great guy and all but he is just not my cup of tea. A little too X-TREME- like a Mountain Dew commercial + a little too much bro-seph attitude. I also don't like how the system sells itself with the talk of "ripped" whatever and "swollen guns". I'm sure its working for them and that's great and I'm sure its getting people into what appears to be a serious, effective workout plan (that includes a good looking diet plan I might add) but part of me (most of me actually) has a really hard time swallowing that. That's why I love Anthony D and his A0S products- ZERO bullshit, very little buzzword marketing (I say very little b/c all marketing is buzzword oriented).

I also don't like how they try and sell you their supplements and protein bars. Just my personal pet peeve. That being said, was p90X chest/shoulders hard- HELL YES. Can I hold my shoulders upright currently- HELL NO. Do I feel slightly nauseous- YES.

Take that for what it's worth and I apologize for the incessant amount of parenthetical comments.

Opening fire in Firepower

I did AoS Firepower for the second time today. While the performance wasnt rockstar, I'd say I stepped up to the plate and met it head on. I took very few breaks- only on the double alt cleans, seesaw presses (damnnit! i really wanted to get through this one but it wasnt happening) and the fig8 tactical lunges. I was getting so tired/weak on those I was almost falling. Aside from that, I feel like I did pretty damn good on this one-I feel good about a workout for the first time in about 3 weeks.

Score one for the good guys today.

Helping the environment AND my fitness goals...

sounds weird huh?

Well, today I officially bought an old-timey push mower and stopped paying someone to cut my yard.

My yard was out-of-control high so this first round with the new push mower was hard as fuck. I'm still sore from Newport yesterday so my back, my shoulders, my legs AND my lungs got killed mowing hte yard. It was AWESOME.

I burned a ton of calories. Got my heart rate up. Worked some muscles AND got a some house work done. ON TOP OF THAT- I am saving money on not paying a yard man, not buying ridiculous-priced gas, and not putting that much more waste into the atmosphere.

It is a win-win proposition all around. Only down side was my neighbors all looked at me like I was certifiable- but they already do that anyway thanks to the tire and the bells.

Aftermath- Newport

This was taken right after I got off the floor.

I did more of the exercises I really hate today- overhead lunges, dragon lunges, squat-overhead-presses.





"Hey Death- I'm a fuckin' mess, can you stop this beating in my.... chest."

Status report..

all systems are fucked. Newport and I are thwoing down @ 3pm today and I'm not walking away from it- I'll be in a heap on the floor.