I am on the ropes. My situation has been going on for almost 11 months now- an end isnt in sight. I've got at least another year of this, maybe more. I have gone up and down through this time period. Last March I couldnt imagine life 2 weeks into the future and here I am 11 months later. That's something I guess.
But I took a hit last week and I am not dealing with it so well. Comparatively I guess I am. Before this all started what happened last week wouldhave sent me to this hills screaming and tearing my hair out. As it stands now, I'm just depressed and want to quit. You really do get to a point where you can honestly say to life "what else? what more can you do to me?". I'm not there yet but I know that point exists. I've been there before. The difference is the last time I was there I had nothing to loose. This round I do.
I started getting sick Friday night with what felt like the flu so I took it easy and didn't work out all weekend. Started taking some wierd Fremch homeopathic stuff along with my threaflu and it has really seemed to have worked. I'm most likely gonna back on it today, I need to. I need to because my situation isn't even making me angry or hateful (which is the ususal response). Instead it's just making me depressed. When that happens I have to get something going to snap me out of it before things get out of hand.
At this moment, I truly and honestly with all my heart want to quit, to bail on everything and start over somewhere where no one knows anything about me.
My reserves have been broken. I am running on emergency power, one engine, and no co-pilot- the black box isn't even worth replaying.
Fuck it. Bring on oblivion, I'm ready.
1 comment:
so sorry i've been awol here lately. i'll call soon and we'll whine about it all together. then we'll decide it's gonna be great some time soon and we'll spend some time looking forward to it.
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