"Peace is just a warm gun away..

..... it's deeper than where there's a will there's a way.
I won't grit my teeth and bare it- If my violence came in the form of a crown of thorns I'd wear it.
I am so afraid
My feet are on the ground and I still haven't found a reason to pretend. So sweep me under the rug, so no one's with me when I lose my head.
I feel hopeless when I just wish I could feel a little less. I feel hopeless when I just wish I.... wish I..."
- Blacklisted "Stations"

FUCK IT!

The heat has been turned back up. Got a phone call and an email yesterday that I knew was coming. I was right- it came. I think my Tues depression fit had to do with knowing it was coming. Last time something came up the same thing happened. I don't know how to explain but I can feel it coming and when I get that feeling it usually does.

I was also right about being too sore to workout yesterday. I was. My body needed the day off. I'm going to do p90X today.

I have self-destructive tendencies even on my best of days. It's part of why I workout so hard. If you workout so hard it hurts, I mean really hurts, it's like self destruction- it feels like anyways but it has positive consequences provided you don't over-do it. Now when I get in a place or a situation like I am currently in (which hasn't happened in the last 13 years), those tendencies get amplified. That's where I am now. I am almost passed being scared and just don't give a fuck- almost. If I didn't have the most beautiful and amazing wife in the world I wouldn't.

I am not going to let what happened back in March happen again. I stopped eating. I stopped working out. It was bad. Every inch of my body doesn't want to work out today- and it's only 9:22 in the morning. When I get home though, I am changing, and I am going outside (just decided no p90X) and I am going to murder myself on that field. I plan on crying and vomiting and collapsing.

This entry is dramatic but it's where I am. I am a roller coaster moment to moment. I care. I don't care. I'm terrified. I'm numb. I'm depressed. I'm full of rage. I want to go out on the field and waste myself to the point that my mind and body are so exhausted they don't have the energy to fluctuate like that. I want a steady, dull hum of background noise. I want to sleep the sleep of the dead- no more nightmares. I want to feel alive again and feel like I have my life back.