failure and sucess

i made it home, dying inside. so depressed that breathing was hard. changed, got bells, went out to the field, and for the first time i couldn't do it. the bells wouldn't move. i couldn't do it. i was devastated. i felt so defeated. i just couldnt move them. my body wouldnt cooperate. its like i was just dead physically. i had no strength. it felt like the last straw broke... i got so mad.

my wife saw me down and suggested we go run sprints at the park. we ran 1 mile of interval sprints alternative sprinting a quarter and walking a quarter. where i couldnt lift a bell, i could do that. so i sprinted until i could literally sprint no more. no longer feel defeated. still feel down and out and sort of hopeless BUT i didn't give up on my exercise for the day. i found a way to make it work- i wish the rest of my life was like that. i'm sure it could be but it just seems so much more complicated. i've got to work on it.

"Peace is just a warm gun away..

..... it's deeper than where there's a will there's a way.
I won't grit my teeth and bare it- If my violence came in the form of a crown of thorns I'd wear it.
I am so afraid
My feet are on the ground and I still haven't found a reason to pretend. So sweep me under the rug, so no one's with me when I lose my head.
I feel hopeless when I just wish I could feel a little less. I feel hopeless when I just wish I.... wish I..."
- Blacklisted "Stations"

FUCK IT!

The heat has been turned back up. Got a phone call and an email yesterday that I knew was coming. I was right- it came. I think my Tues depression fit had to do with knowing it was coming. Last time something came up the same thing happened. I don't know how to explain but I can feel it coming and when I get that feeling it usually does.

I was also right about being too sore to workout yesterday. I was. My body needed the day off. I'm going to do p90X today.

I have self-destructive tendencies even on my best of days. It's part of why I workout so hard. If you workout so hard it hurts, I mean really hurts, it's like self destruction- it feels like anyways but it has positive consequences provided you don't over-do it. Now when I get in a place or a situation like I am currently in (which hasn't happened in the last 13 years), those tendencies get amplified. That's where I am now. I am almost passed being scared and just don't give a fuck- almost. If I didn't have the most beautiful and amazing wife in the world I wouldn't.

I am not going to let what happened back in March happen again. I stopped eating. I stopped working out. It was bad. Every inch of my body doesn't want to work out today- and it's only 9:22 in the morning. When I get home though, I am changing, and I am going outside (just decided no p90X) and I am going to murder myself on that field. I plan on crying and vomiting and collapsing.

This entry is dramatic but it's where I am. I am a roller coaster moment to moment. I care. I don't care. I'm terrified. I'm numb. I'm depressed. I'm full of rage. I want to go out on the field and waste myself to the point that my mind and body are so exhausted they don't have the energy to fluctuate like that. I want a steady, dull hum of background noise. I want to sleep the sleep of the dead- no more nightmares. I want to feel alive again and feel like I have my life back.

Descending hell

panic attacks at work. depressed as fuck. hate life. didnt want to work out. hot as fuck. 106. made myself work out and do it outside.

did descending/ascending
50 swings/10 BW squats
40 swings/20 BW squats
30 swings/30 BW squats
20 swings/40 BW squats
10 swings/50 BW squats

took me 25 min. destroyed my legs. lower back super tight. probably did some swings wrong or im just tired. my legs are wrecked. my whole body is sore from yesterday. p90X tomorrow. cant do bells. i'll be too sore. i wont be able to walk by tomorrow afternoon. so wrecked i dont care about anything else. definitely better than pill or booze.

did i get it....?

i personally dont think so. i tried snatching the two 24KGs today. I tried it twice, both attempts are in the video below. the first was almost there- at the very end they sort of go around my hands instead of over them- i don't think i should count it (opinions from you all as i'm brutal on myself)

After this I got down to business with a modified version of the double KB workouts from last week.

3 sets of 5: KB burpee+double clean w/ 24KGs fifth rep 36 yard rack walk
3 sets of 5: KB burpee+deadlift w/ 24KG fifth rep 36 yard farmer's carry.then to BBall court for the following using two 24KG bells once, all the way through, without stopping-overhead rack walks down, rack walks back, farmer's carries down, alt rack walk right side back, alt rack walk left side down.

this SUCKED. my forearms and hands were wrecked! i finished it off w/ a snatch ladder. i am working on my numbers using hte 24KG on snatches. i have decided to start training for the RKCwhen I can take it. today I did one set of 1-3 ladders, non-stop. that video is here-

after those i was dead. went in, amde dinner, ate, then went back out and mowed the yard with the push mower. that was the last nail in the coffin. i am so sore this morning workout this afternoon is going to be hilarious

RKC & Me?

soooo, I'm the kind of guy that when I get into something I really like, I really get into it. That has been the case with KB's since I found them 2.5 years ago.

I have been considering the RKC since I heard about it when I started. I thought I would never be able to achieve what was necessary to be certified. The course requirements terrified me.

A good friend, the one and only Jenn B, is going to the RKC in October and that got me to really thinking- can I do it?

I went to the Dragon Door page today and looked over the requirements for men again. The weight class that I am in is the 148lb class (I am 2lbs under the 154lb class). That would mean I would ahve to snatch the 24KG 38 times for the snatch test (15 on one side 13 on the other?) and that I would have to use 2 16KG bells for the grad workout.

Now the grad workout doesnt scare me so much- 2 16KG bells is really a whatever. I'm sure it's terrible and will have me cursing my mother having bore me into the world BUT I know I can do it.

The snatch test, however, I cannot do as of today. With training, yes, I could. 38 snatches isnt the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard number wise even though snatching the 24KG I can do about 12-15 snatches without stopping. Like I said, it would take some serious practice but doing snatch ladders every day for 2 weeks and then going for #ers all out would get me there.

What I cannot do is the pressing work with the 24KG. I cannot press the 24KG for reps of 5 multiple times. I cannot sots press. I cannot bent press. More importantly, I do not think I could learn to do those things before October. Not to mention the all important fact that there is no way in hell that I could afford to do the certification.

Then agian my job is fickle. Sometimes I make no $ and soemtimes from out of nowhere a huge check shows up. If a huge check shows up or I win the lottery or something else very unlikely to occur- I want to go to the RKC Oct cert. UGH!

Either way, I'm comming for you RKC and though I may be slight in size, I will conquer you.

p90X'ed

ddint make the 5 days this eek. got 4. made the conscoius decision yesterday to start drinking whiskey @ 1PM thereby destroying any hopes of getting in a workout. hung out with the wife all nite at the house wathcing movies.

today did p90X chest and back routine. got serious about it and really kicked it up. made a difference too b.c my numbers were way better and this is the 3rd time ive done it- i have to say my close-grip pull ups and diamond push up are astonishingly better. crazy progress.

zach even-esh might be my new hero. after doing that workout of his that someone posted i went to his website and checked him out on youtube. that guy is a fucking nut! i love it! hsi outdoor stuff is JUST like what we have been doing at the park for the last 1.5 yrs. there are some awesome ideas on there and he just has an energy and passion that i really can connect with. it gets me amped- makes me want to lift REALLY heavy shit and then do sprints.

next week is going to be awesome. i cant wait to do some more double KB workouts. i am also going to try and snatch the two 24KG's next week in a double snatch attempt. that would be 67% of my body weight.

Another double KB workout from the AoS forum...

with his response to my David Whitley double KB workout. He said he got this workout from Zach Even-Esh, it was a 'loaded-conditioning' workout. I had wondered "hrm, what does that mean, loaded conditioning"? Well I found out tonite. Loaded conditioning is trainer speak for make-your-whole-body-cramp-up-until-al-your-muscle-groups-fail-and-you-almost-have-a-moment-of-incontinence. Yep. That's what the term 'loaded-conditioning" means.
The work was prescribed as follows-

"Kettlebell walks for either distance or time1. Double overhead carry KB walk 2. Rack walk 3. Farmer's walk4. Cross Carry - (1KB overhead, 1KB in Farmer position) alternate arms5. Overhead carry the length of a basketball court - Push press x 5 reps6. Rack walk to other end - Squats x 5 reps7. Farmer walk back the other way - Alternating rows - 5 reps each side8.Cross carry to other end - Squat into a high pull x 5 reps9.Cross carry using opposite arms - Alternating snatch x 5 reps"

It was mentioned that it was brief but intense. I used my 2 20KG bells and got to business. I am happy to say I made it to past the rows before I droppped the bells.

While reading this, JUST NOW, i realized i did this workout all wrong. I did 5-9 like they were all of the workout and 1-4 like they were clarification. It makes much more sense now. MUCH MORE why you might just do it once through.

I did 5-9, it SUCKED but I felt like I didnt do enough so I repeated it. I took video of me repeating it, its HILARIOUS and below- I walked too far out of frame so you only get to see half of the hilarity

. I now realize you are supposed to do 1-9 all the way through, probably once. I assume once. If it is more than once than I feel like a giant maxi pad.

Either way. The first way through was great, hard but great. The second way through after the rows, my grip died. I mean died. My forearms are still ruined and typing is hard. Next time I will do it correctly and let you all know how that goes.

If you're into the double bell workouts, this one gets 2 thumbs up. I think it was harder than DW's. The squat into a high pull was really really hard and the alternating snatches at the end was like someone shooting your dog in front of you and then laughing at you about it- they were that bad.